r/Jokes Sep 29 '22 Silver 8 Gold 1 Helpful 5 Wholesome 7 Snek 1

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

21.1k Upvotes

u/TheHat2 Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22 Helpful Take My Energy

user reports:
1: chuck norris doesn't deserve recognition

The Ranger keeps on coming, so there ain't no sense in running.

1: It's 2022

Yet Chuck Norris jokes outlived The Most Interesting Man in the World jokes.

1: Gay

Hey, man, it's 2022.

1: Chuck Norris was once reported on r/jokes. the reporting user got banned.

USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS REPORT.

1: Can you edit the pinned mod message to include mine too? Thank you and have a nice day.
1: Put me in the report sticky

Nah, I'm not gonna do that.

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2.0k

u/neverthesaneagain Sep 29 '22

I remember an interview with Norris about the jokes, he loved them. The interview asked if he was fast enough to run around the earth a punch himself in the back of the head.

"No. I'd hear myself coming."

261

u/sthclever013 Sep 29 '22

Yo, that is crazy 🤣

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1.6k

u/hooligan_king Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can pick up a missed call.

60

u/Raneru Sep 29 '22

And you better answer

45

u/Fatalis_Fafnir Sep 30 '22

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.

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2.8k

u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Bravo! Bravo Grande!

[removed] — view removed comment

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2.5k

u/Fuzzy-Interest-848 Sep 29 '22 Silver

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

745

u/Spider-Ian Sep 29 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

I once saw a lady go the wrong way through a revolving door. All the doors collapsed and slammed together. Then all the glass exploded. It was pretty amazing. She might have been Chuck Norris' mom.

158

u/mispells1wordallways Sep 29 '22

It's amazing, but that's actually how they're designed. If they meet resistance past a certain point, they're designed to collapse together and have the glass fall out. It's safety glass so it's unlikely to hurt anybody.

The assumption that if anybody is putting that much pressure on that, it's an emergency and the collapse and shatter allows for quicker egress

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263

u/pharaon1980 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand!

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1.9k

u/Necro_nom_nom_nom Sep 29 '22

Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

126

u/snowfalltimbre Sep 29 '22 Wholesome

When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.

258

u/YupIlikeThat Sep 29 '22

Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow

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3.3k

u/Sweety-Origin Sep 29 '22 Silver

Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. The reaper ist too scared to tell him

1.6k

u/HoleyerThanThou Sep 29 '22 Silver Take My Energy

Chuck Norris does not have near death experiences , Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.

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121

u/Shelbycobra82 Sep 29 '22

My favorite too

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915

u/Bouffazala Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle

155

u/Measlyshiv Sep 29 '22 Silver

Similarly, Chuck Norris can pull a wheelie on a unicycle.

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5.8k

u/Beardysan Sep 29 '22 Wholesome Evil Cackle 'MURICA

Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird

2.6k

u/Proper_Lunch_3640 Sep 29 '22 Wholesome Vibing

Chuck Norris can speak braille

1.0k

u/rificolona Sep 29 '22 Take My Energy

... in French

714

u/steveloveshockey99 Sep 29 '22

To deaf people

471

u/robot_ankles Sep 29 '22

...who died last week

343

u/Jermine1269 Sep 29 '22

Underwater

49

u/thelastwordbender Sep 29 '22

In a cave, from a box of scraps

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u/Nolevike04 Sep 29 '22

In thick scuba gear, while inside a submarine

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u/subterfuge1 Sep 29 '22 Take My Energy Wholesome Seal of Approval

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.

1.4k

u/BabyImafool Sep 29 '22 Take My Energy

Chuck Norris uses one chopstick

166

u/slyscamp Sep 29 '22

Knives use Chuck Norris to cut the steak

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1.1k

u/Mardruss Sep 29 '22

Similar: Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born

436

u/dngerszn13 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

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797

u/friarguy Sep 29 '22

When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor. Nobody spanks Chuck Norris

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387

u/Captain-Fives Sep 29 '22 Gold All-Seeing Upvote Giggle

When chuck Norris was born, he opened his fist and in it was the anti-Baby pill

(Sry for bad English)

71

u/SeasonPositive6771 Sep 29 '22

Just so you and everyone else are aware, in German birth control is called anti-baby pill.

But that would make this thread impossible because I've been reliably informed that Germans do not have a sense of humor.

37

u/True-Bee1903 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris took it from them.

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u/popalock85 Sep 29 '22

Valiant effort.

The only Plan B Chuck Norris has ever had was found in his clenched fist as he climbed out of his mothers womb.

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159

u/tofuboyyyy Sep 29 '22

And to the hospital

154

u/sank333 Sep 29 '22

On man, idk why I am imagining him putting his arms out to hold the steering wheel

98

u/danidr Sep 29 '22

Because that’s how it’s happened.

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2.4k

u/SaberHaven Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.

1.4k

u/Good_Beginning_6996 Sep 29 '22 Wholesome

Chuck Norris doesn’t use a vibrating toothbrush. His plastic one trembles in fear.

72

u/Disastrous-Dress8077 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

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u/they_are_out_there Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris has a huge pile of dead ninjas in his backyard. He calls it “Brokeback Mountain”.

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2.3k

u/amerkanische_Frosch Sep 29 '22 Silver Gold Rocket Like

Oedipus’ mother has a Chuck Norris complex.

182

u/chrisxls Sep 29 '22

Congrats. Never head anything like this one.

150

u/amerkanische_Frosch Sep 29 '22

Thanks! I came up with that one all on my own.

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4.7k

u/Blueheeledbandit Sep 29 '22 Helpful Take My Energy Take My Money Giggle Table Slap Spit-take

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris….

540

u/nightmareasault Sep 29 '22 Bravo!

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone

54

u/francoisb8005 Sep 29 '22

Hard to hear a new one when it's a Chuck Norris joke, and this is top tier. Well done.

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u/simonkesterlian Sep 29 '22

When Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook, he already had a friend request from Chuck Norris

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2.0k

u/RentalGore Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

420

u/onomatopoetix Sep 29 '22

as he lights up a cigar, the world quickly timelapses because even time is afraid to keep chuck norris waiting

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u/grofva Sep 29 '22

The boogy man checks his closet & under his bed for Chuck Norris before going to sleep

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u/SkyeeeMaaa Sep 29 '22

Nah that’s just me in skyrim

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u/UnderwhelmingAF Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22 Wholesome

When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.

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3.0k

u/niaellenlong Sep 29 '22 LOVE!

Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas to bed

154

u/ThunderHam11 Sep 29 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.

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1.0k

u/joserayo Sep 29 '22 Gold

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer, it is just a pity he has never cried

32

u/Seranta Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris blood contains the solution to world peace, too bad Chuck Norris never bleeds

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u/boggog Sep 29 '22 Gold LOVE!

Superman and Chuck Norris once had a duel. The loser since has to wear his underpants over his pants.

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3.3k

u/TheYeti4815162342 Sep 29 '22 To The Stars

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just called ‘the Islands’.

575

u/bigjayrod Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

242

u/Greased_up_Scotsman Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.

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u/TheYeti4815162342 Sep 29 '22

This one is obviously a joke because Chuck Norris never lost his virginity. That’s because he never loses.

416

u/Lord_of_Atlantis Sep 29 '22

He didn't, but they did.

44

u/konkuero Sep 29 '22

He didn't lose it, he donated it

111

u/Elfboy77 Sep 29 '22

Clearly he didn't lose it, he took it.

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u/Sweet_Taurus0728 Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

A friend and me googled Chuck Norris in freshman year of highschool once.

I swear, I SWEAR, a blank white page came up, with nothing but text that said "Chuck Norris cannot be googled."

EDIT: Actually, it said this: "Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU."

230

u/TheMaverick427 Sep 29 '22

It was an old Easter Egg. The page said: "Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU".

79

u/SmellsLikeCatPiss Sep 29 '22

Ah - it was kinda an easter egg but not in the way you're thinking. There are several easter eggs built into google, but this one actually was created by someone being smart and taking advantage of SEO. Basically, when you looked for "Find Chuck Norris" and hit I'm Feeling Lucky, it would take you to the first search result which was a website called findchucknorris or something to that effect, basically the webpage was a copy of Google with the aforementioned text and some other clever jokes! An actual example of an easter egg by Google is if you google emacs (a text editor), google will ask "Did you mean vi?" (a different, competitor text editor). Same for if you google "vi" and it's probably the result of an in-joke between the former developers and left in there as a respectful nod.

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u/lolomolima Sep 29 '22

Google can be Chuck Norris'd

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u/_S_T_E_V_E Sep 29 '22 Wholesome hehehehe

Chuck Norris can download Hardware

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u/curveball_82 Sep 29 '22 Silver

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When doing push ups, Chuck Norris doesn't push himself up. He pushes earth away from him.

279

u/0xAC-172 Sep 29 '22

Similar to the first: Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

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u/Not_to_sallow Sep 29 '22

How many push ups can Chuck Norris do?----All of them .

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u/MedonSirius Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. once!

108

u/oroberos Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

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415

u/Treeckobeststarter Sep 29 '22 Silver

Chuck Norris donates blood frequently, it's just never his own

161

u/tyrannosean Sep 29 '22 Spit-take

My favorite was: when Chuck Norris donates blood he declines the needle and requests a hand gun and a bucket.

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269

u/Friendly-Pressure-62 Sep 29 '22 Silver

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.

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u/BinkanSalaryman Sep 29 '22

technically, both are true

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u/Law21666 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesnt dial the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

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u/TheZugUnderTheRug Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris was in a knife fight. The knife lost.

41

u/GeraltOfDissidia Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

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u/iSeize Sep 29 '22

Soon after becoming the first man to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong also received the world's longest touchdown pass from Chuck Norris.

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u/ArkansasDave65 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.

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u/Stonewall_Jackson_5 Sep 29 '22 Wholesome

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret

129

u/Leading-Mushroom Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter

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554

u/stareye8 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris visited the sun and stayed 2 nights

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1.3k

u/ieatsoupyum Sep 29 '22 Silver Helpful Take My Energy

Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano

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u/spoonwije97 Sep 29 '22 Silver Helpful Giggle

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it

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1.8k

u/MaherJ79 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.

265

u/enjolras1782 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris's favorite blood donation method is 2 buckets and a fragmentation grenade

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u/Jermine1269 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own 2 hands.

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u/nieman23 Sep 29 '22

You know how giraffes were invented? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.

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u/Boydy1986 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once farted in the Sahara forest

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u/ls_2012 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.

1.4k

u/qa_lim Sep 29 '22

chuck norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice

646

u/NotAMinuteRide Sep 29 '22

He can also make ice by rubbing together two pieces of fire.

77

u/DMeringuePi Sep 29 '22

A Song of Norris and Fire

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u/qa_lim Sep 29 '22

he can rub together a single piece of anything

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u/Ok_Swordfish_8905 Sep 29 '22

Always thought “Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg” was pretty high ranking 😅

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u/surferDez Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor. It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move …

207

u/enjolras1782 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris's hobby is taxidermy. He usually just points at animals and yells "don't you fucking move!"

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u/Helix_Division Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris was shot on Wednesday. They held bullet's funeral on Friday.

231

u/wigzell78 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once broke his Nokia phone.

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u/FrumundaCheeseGoblin Sep 29 '22 Silver Helpful Take My Energy

I don't know what you guys are on about.

Chuck Norris isn't so tough.

If he was, he'd come to my house and slam my face into the keyboacruckaj2vrmfizjabsmfkhsbqkd

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u/pcweber111 Sep 29 '22

Hello? Are you still alive?

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u/squirrellytoday Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go. On a land-line.

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u/crispilly Sep 29 '22

There are no jokes about Chuck Norris. It's all true.

533

u/hammerofthor0 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked so fast it broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart.

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563

u/AwkwardFactor84 Sep 29 '22

When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

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u/Sturbotrand Sep 29 '22

The dumb surreal ones are the best

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u/CreepyFingerChad318 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double. For crying scenes.

749

u/Rickp74 Sep 29 '22 'MURICA

Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs.

142

u/Miserable-Highway-93 Sep 29 '22

He was actually holding a menu and waiting to order, but when he asked for soup they gave him the whole pot.

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u/NotAMinuteRide Sep 29 '22

And he wasn't even competing!

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u/hooligan_king Sep 29 '22

He won the 2 card Texas holdem tourney with a 5 card draw hand.

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u/seniorzenaf Sep 29 '22

It took 9 women 4 years to give birth to Chuck Norris

347

u/pipsquintjizzlebob Sep 29 '22 hehehehe

Chuck Norris wasn’t born, he was “tactically deployed”

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94

u/Vaedev Sep 29 '22

I love the absurdity of this one.

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u/MrGuttor Sep 29 '22

my brain hurts trying to understand this

328

u/TappedIn2111 Sep 29 '22

We get it. You’re not Chuck Norris.

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u/superkickpalooza Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he only holds air hostage.

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u/Naugrin27 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris never won an oscar because he is NOT acting.

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u/Antisocial_Worker7 Sep 29 '22

Guns carry Chuck Norris for protection.

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u/Sub_Zero_Fks_Given Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

There is no control button on Chuck Norris' computer, because HE is always in control.

Chuck Norris was walking down the street one day and got an erection. There were no survivors.

Charlie Sheen claims to have had sex with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris called that "A slow Tuesday."

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u/Fhrantzy Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera

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u/thprk Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can fly, this because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.

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u/Lumbergod Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug. The bear's not dead, just too afraid to move.

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u/rustytoerail Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once arrived twice

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u/LagerHead Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

And he was perfectly on time both times.

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245

u/drunken_gungan Sep 29 '22 Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish inquisition

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483

u/Alton573 Sep 29 '22

Chick Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.

65

u/Tsjernobull Sep 29 '22

I really wanna see a picture of chick norris now

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u/muddlebrainedmedic Sep 29 '22

The dinosaurs crossed Chuck Norris once. ONCE.

The day Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already missed two calls from Chuck Norris.

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u/z2r2 Sep 29 '22 Wholesome Seal of Approval

Chuck Norris’s dick has an elbow

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u/Andedzig Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can speak Japanese in French

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u/BeepBoopAnv Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework

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u/goodusernamestaken69 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his own father.

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u/crispilly Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can drown fish.

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u/maghfira Sep 29 '22 Masterpiece

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table of elements, because the only element he believes in is in the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris only has one hand. The upper hand.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns in the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.

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u/NoGoodIDNames Sep 29 '22 Take My Power

Chuck Norris puts braille on his boots so even blind people know what’s coming.

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u/downriverjer Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

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u/SUPERSAYAme Sep 29 '22

Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims on land

209

u/TheGooOnTheFloor Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris swims through land. That's how the Grand Canyon was formed.

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u/chiperific_on_reddit Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

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u/crispilly Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.

325

u/666Darkside666 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once went to Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. And he got it!

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u/blackboard_sx Sep 29 '22

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn on the light. He turns off the dark.

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

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u/Running_zombie_ Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls... Because hair can't grow on steel.

261

u/Fife2016 Sep 29 '22 Helpful Take My Energy

Each of Chuck Noris' balls is bigger than the other.

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u/snozberryface Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone

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u/crispilly Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is. Edited: I removed one unnecessary comma. 🤣

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u/wilsonism Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

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u/Shortsub Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19, Now Covid-19 is in Quarantine for two weeks

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u/Long_Serpent Sep 29 '22

There is no Theory of Evolution. There is only a list of organisms that Chuck Norris allows to exist.

When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father "you're the man of the house now"

When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris replied "Say please"

Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

And ofc, the classic...

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u/ahhhskeetX46969 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag the ladies...he potato sacks them.

Every night before bed, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has to sleep with a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

When Chuck Norris works out, he doesn't do a push up, he pushes the earth down.

Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris jammies.

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u/sharrrper Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. The word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect 300. Without a ball. In fact he wasn't even in a bowling alley.

Chuck Norris had a paper route as a kid. There were no survivors.

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u/VagazzleMeTimbers Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once got an erection while walking down a busy street. There were no survivors.

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u/Mcdagger-1 Sep 29 '22

Chuck norris narrates Morgan Freeman's life.

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105

u/allthingsdfwsports Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear condoms. There’s no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

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u/BigGuyACT Sep 29 '22

When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith's wife, Will Smith slaps himself....

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u/Tanjelynnb Sep 29 '22

(From early 2020)

Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19. The virus will now remain in quarantine for 14 days.

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u/grr1973 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can’t go to hell. The devil still has restraining order against him

151

u/kaiju505 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball, wheelie a unicycle, and stand faster than usain bolt can run. He once had a heart attack and his heart lost.

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u/PulplessFikshun Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever punch a man in the back of his face.

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u/NerfShields Sep 29 '22

"Chuck Norris once discovered a rock so heavy, that even he, Chuck Norris, could not lift it. Then he lifted it anyway just to show everyone who the fuck Chuck Norris is."

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189

u/Xur_and_the_Kodan Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris went back in time to stop the Kennedy assination Chuck stopped all three bullets with his beard. Kennedy's head exploded out of shear amazement.

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137

u/Dangerous_Ad_3997 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

93

u/mattsl Sep 29 '22

But he kindly doesn't because peanuts are allergic to him.

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u/Mun7ed Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris is said to be so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

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u/mayhem911 Sep 29 '22

Impossible, he would hear himself coming.

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u/Gymrat2796 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can get Chick-fil-A on Sundays

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u/Sigvauld Sep 29 '22

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader; Chuck Norris would win.

Also partial to

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

27

u/Nivagee1983 Sep 29 '22

When chuck Norris works out, the weights get stronger.

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u/PropLander Sep 29 '22

Hurricanes have an evacuation plan in the event of Chuck Norris.

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u/Primary-Fig-5916 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris can remember the future.

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116

u/Peaceoorwar Sep 29 '22

The toilet clogs when Chuck Norris pisses

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22

u/MachoBrizzin Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steak.

102

u/jodenteNoob Sep 29 '22

Jesus can walk on water but chuck Norris can swim through land

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170

u/amerkanische_Frosch Sep 29 '22

Trying to cash in on Chuck Norris’ popularity, a company tried to merchandise a Chuck Norris kiddie toilet training seat, but it failed miserably because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

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u/childeroland79 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris always has sex on top because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

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u/evilrobotshane Sep 29 '22

There’s no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

(updatable for Ian and Florida if you want to be topical!)

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u/Leonos Sep 29 '22

That would cause a topical storm.

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u/elpajaroquemamais Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once had sex with an entire convent of nuns. 9 months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated team in NFL history

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u/mexicanmorman Sep 29 '22

Germans surrendered 1945. Chuck Norris born 1945;coincidence 🤷

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u/jolsiphur Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris once destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements, because he only believes in the Element of Surprise.

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

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u/van_clouden Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris' calendar jumps from March 31 to April 2. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

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u/chrischi3 Sep 29 '22 Narwhal Salute

Once a street was named after Chuck Norris, but was renamed hours later because Chuck Norris kept beating up people trying to cross the street. When asked about it, he just replied "Noone crosses Chuck Norris."

Once a rumour spread that Chuck Norris had been beaten up by a pirate. This rumour was started by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates in.

Once Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got it.

Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.

When Chuck Norris goes into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets chucky.

Chuck Norris wasn't born like a normal child. He shot is way out of the womb with a carbine. 3 seconds later, he grew a beard.

After long discussion, it was decided to nuke Hiroshima instead of dropping Chuck Norris onto the city, because it was deemed more humane.

When Chuck Norris moved out of his parents' house, he gave his father the keys and said "Now you are the man in the house."

There is no evolution, only a list of creatures whom Chuck Norris allows to exist.

The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.

Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn't fear God. God fears Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on, that because the darkness is scared of him.

Chuck Norris can't blink, because his eyelids are afraid of being seen by him.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can literally kill time.

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u/Foreign-Cup-1803 Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris threw a grenade killed 10 people then the grenade exploded

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u/Zyxwgh Sep 29 '22

I like the one about the expanding universe.

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u/lurchenmann Sep 29 '22

Chuck Norris does not eat honey, he chews bees

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